Nov. 30, 2009

Chapter 23: Voice

Greenfin says, "Mr. Woodman, I had no-"

Mr. Woodman says, "This is Carrie Rhymerson. She's my attorney."

Carrie says, "Hello, I believe that I have met a few of you already."

Stan says, "Carrie...?"

Mr. Woodman says, "Let me be clear. I am not pressing charges. More publicity is the last thing I need. Carrie is here to ensure that none of us does anything illegal."

Carrie smiles.

Greenfin says, "So, what do you-"

Mr. Woodman says, "What I want is to get the information on every one of the people attending this so-called 'boycott.' usernames if they have them, otherwise, names and addresses will do."

Oh, you have got to be kidding me.

Greenfin says, "Wait, sir, why d-"

Mr. Woodman says, "Clearly, I plan to punish only those who participated in today's debacle, not the entire community."

He's going to punish us? Does this man have no sense of what we just accomplished when four people were punished? Has he no capacity for fear?

Greenfin says, "Punish us how...?"

Mr. Woodman says, "I'll likely discontinue your accounts."

Imagine a throng of pissed off ex-users. Imagine a horde, a swarm. If you block enough of us, we'll have a community without you, and then you will no longer be necessary.

Greenfin says, "And, how would you punish every-"

Mr. Woodman says, "I can't make any official statement on that, but there's a chance we'd just shut the area down. It may be close to's home, but it's hardly a big town."

Oh, you have got to be kidding me! I will eat your brains, Mr. Woodman. I will tie you down with ropes made out of fire ants, and we will flail you to fucking shit.

Greenfin says, "That can't be financia-"

Mr. Woodman says, "Oh, yeah? This town is is a dime for us, a penny. Heck, I had one of my boys run the numbers, and we're taking a loss on you guys right now. Tiny meetups, adding no real content to our network, just filling up space."

I bet your insides taste of death, don't they, Mr. Woodman? I bet they taste of something horrific and unknown. And, I'm sure we can find some wild animals who are begging to find out for sure.

Greenfin says, "But, we pay you every mon-"

Mr. Woodman says, "Ha! What you pay is nothing to us. No, your value starts and ends with the network, and you have become viruses on our network, so we are happy to purge you forever."

Don't worry, it will only be painful for a few minutes (and torturous for a few hours after that). This is for science, Mr. Woodman. We're going to feed you to wild, rabid boars for science.

Greenfin says, "Please, Mr. Woodman, be reas-"

Mr. Woodman says, "I have no time for this. Crantz. Names. Now. Or everyone suffers."

Yeah, that doesn't make you sound like an evil genius at all, Woodman. You can always tell someone who's turned to the dark side when they threaten to hurt a lot of people if you don't comply to let them hurt a few people. Fuck you, Woodman. Fuck you fuck you fuck you.

Greenfin looks around at the rest of us.

Sen says, "Wait, Mr. Woodm-"

Mr. Woodman says, "Quiet, Tootsie Roll. Men are talking here."

Oh, you did not just cut off Sen. That did not just happen. That did not just fucking happen. "You stupid fucking ass cock!"

There is a pause. Everyone looks at me. What did...?

Mr. Woodman says, "I will not be addressed in this manner!"

He will not be...? FUCK!

Sen says, "She didn't mea-"

Mr. Woodman says, "Shut your trap, Pixie Stix. And, you, who the Hell do you think you are?"

Oh, yeah, fuckwad. I'm going to tell you who I am. "Because I look like a fucking moron, don't I?"

Mr. Woodman yells, "Yes, you do!"

I yell, "Fuck you, you piece of fucking shit fucker!"

Mr. Woodman yells, "Who do-"

I yell, "You wanna know what's gonna happen? You wanna know what's gonna come of this?"

Mr. Woodman yells, "I will no-"

I yell, "Fuck you! What's going to happen is that we're not giving you any fucking information. We're giving you less information than the fucking day gives the fucking night."

Mr. Woodman yells, "I'm-"

I yell, "Fuck you! We're giving you less fucking information than we'd give a fucking dog before shooting it the fuck into space."

Carrie says, "Let's just all cal-"

I yell, "And you know why? You know why we're not fucking giving you anything? Because you're about to get. The fuck. Fired."

Carrie says, "m down a lit-"

I yell, "See, you just screwed the fucking pooch, and not just any old fucking pooch, you screwed Snoopy; you screwed Pluto; you fucking screwed Lassie."

Carrie says, "tle bit."

I yell, "We just had a hundred adults make idiots out of themselves on live television. You know where that's going, you stupid ass raker?"

Mr. Woodman says, "I..."

I say, "That shit is already on YouTube. Thousands of people have already watched it. And, millions more are getting in line. Your boss is going to kill you."

Mr. Woodman says, "I..."

I say, "So, here's what you're gonna do. Before you resign publicly and up to your fucking toupée in shame, you're gonna get me and my friends our accounts back."

Mr. Woodman says, "And, why should-"

I say, "Because if we humped you this hard in two days, think of how much it's gonna hurt in a week. In a month. In a year. You will be begging, crying. We will feed you to your own fucking ass."

Carrie says, "Enough, you crazy woman."

I glare at Mr. Woodman like his head should explode, like if I could control his arm, I'd have it choke him to death. And, I would.

Carrie says, "This is criminal threatening. I will call the police."

Stan says, "Ah, a grand idea Carrie."

Carrie looks at him.

Stan says, "In the mean time, I hope you don't mind if we call some local news... Aren't they downstairs?"

Carrie says, "Don't you dare..."

Mr. Woodman says, "I'm leaving," in a low voice with just the hint of a crack. And he turns around.

Sen says, "NO. Not yet."

Mr. Woodman stops. He's visibly shaking.

Sen says, "First, I want a written statement that you'll give all four of us our accounts back and convince the other websites to do the same... Carrie?" She smiles serenely. "You're a notary public, yes?"


The thing about being Internet famous is that it doesn't pay anything, plus, it turns out that we only got, like, 50k views on YouTube, so we're hardly even Internet famous, maybe Internet who-the-Hell-are-you?-ous. Like that kid from that video with the walrus.

Sen says, "All right. Everyone ready?"

But, what sucks is this: Gully's adoring boss was one of the 50k that watched it and got all pissy at Gully for lying about being sick (Gully does this impression, with spit flying out of his mouth, yelling, "You didn't just betray this company, you did it to me, Gully. And, that's a fact!") and ended up firing him publicly to prove a point, plus then, Sen and Stan seem both to have been fired for no apparent reason. Sen got a meeting with her boss in which he cited "inappropriate activity for the workplace from your work account," and Stan didn't get anything... at least as far as I can tell. I mean, the man's as stoic as a light post... a broken light post.

Gully says, "I am!"

Oh, and me? My work place is just empty. I went there two days ago, and nothing, not even a sign that anyone has been there for the past ten years. Plus, today? My key stopped working.

Stan says, "My sitting position would suggest that I am..."

But, we did get our accounts back, so that's something... though, honestly, not much. It felt like such a big deal at the time, but, you know? I don't really do anything on Facebook anymore, and's gone to shit ever since Borshch took it over. It's like an ad parade now. I start worrying about my weight and debating what types of singles I should meet just looking at it.

I say, "Ready!"

There's e-mail, I guess. I use that. And, Sen and I tweet back and forth about job-hunting and how it's a piece of shit and a half. Which is three hundred pieces of fun. So, I guess it was kind of a Thing. Anyway, at least we're not in jail like Ben (guy got swept up in the moment and starting torching all the cars in the parking lot, which, you know, I guess he got over his fire thing) or really famous like Greenfin (some Hollywood got wind of his greeniness and is trying to do a reality show about him... YARLY). So, I mean, you know...

Sen says, "Great!" and she hits a button on the remote.

And, the screen goes black.

Epilogue: The Fucklympics

God damnit!


  1. (Untitled)

    Dec. 01, 2009, 10:41pm

    I always knew that Bruce's Band would do well.

    Congrats again on finishing!!

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