Nov. 17, 2009

Chapter 13: Ricky

Anyway, the bitch is that they took down all of our names, so our group is down three more members for the next month. BUT, of course, before we were ousted, it was at 321, so 318 is still well above the upper bound of meetupial destruction, so, we're basically all stars in terms of living and existence.

So, yeah, the next few nights, we go out to celebrate. Gully takes us to a pre-screening of a really, really bad horror short that he's involved in (spoiler: the killer is the dog, who nobody suspects because, "That's just Smevil," and who is played by a hand puppet), and Stan invites us to help him clean up his house ("It'll be fun, you guys not getting sued by me, me not winning ridiculous amounts of money in damages; you'll have a ball" and an evil grin).

And, every time I check our members, they may go down a little bit: 314, 310, but most people, it seems, are sufficiently lazy that removing themselves from a meetup is not worth the colossal effort it would take to click a couple of times (which, yeah, I mean, I am too, so thanks Minigolf Courses Late Night B&E for the offer to "suck it" on Thursday at the "I'm gonna mess you guys up" building on the intersection of "who knows where" street and "I'll strike next" lane, but I think I'll pass). So, we'll probably be in the clear for some time yet. Now, I just hope that nobody new actually starts attending.


It's Tuesday again, and when I get to the murder house, it's gloriously empty (except for this weird old couple who are standing on the opposite sidewalk and staring at it, with the old lady periodically scratching the old man's arm, and the old man responding by pinching the old lady's cheek [which, on its own, wouldn't be super weird, except that the old man is wearing a motorcycle helmet, and the old lady is holding a baseball bat in her other hand {which, I mean, there might be an explanation, like a sport, in which, if the old man doesn't remember to pinch, the old lady gets to hit him in the head with the baseball bat, or they're just waiting for their friends to arrive so that they can play High Speed Motorcycle Ball <the sport of kings>}]).

Inside, Stan's bruise has healed into Tom Petty smoking a cigar.

In celebration of our movie, "Ricky Mouse Becomes the President of Mars," Stan is wearing bunny ears, and Gully has a rabbit's foot taped to his forehead.

We're just starting to watch, and there's a loud knock on the door. When Stan gets up, it's apparent that he's also wearing one of those white cotton balls people think looks like a rabbit's tail but actually looks like you cut your ass while shaving really badly and couldn't find anything else with which to stop the bleeding. ("Holy sweet God! Why the hell do I keep shaving my ass! It doesn't even grow any fucking hair! Yet, every morning, mid-morning, lunch hour, mid-afternoon, evening, later evening, and 2am when my alarm goes off, I get this sudden compulsion to go shave my ass... God, I wish I had one of them special ass razors and not this piece of shit knife.")

Stan is saying, "No, I don't suppose..."

And, I can't hear the response, but soon, the door closes, and then he's coming back, looking even more sullen than usual. His eyes shift to Sen, who is sitting backwards on the couch, her head peeking up over it, looking back at him. She's wearing this pair of jeans with a dull red patch at her hip, and she's sporting the midriff.

Walking behind Stan are one, then two, then three, people (a man and two women) who look like bodyguards. Seriously, they've got that tall-and-well-postured look coupled with dark sunglasses and that wire attached to their ear for hearing secret messages but makes it seem like they might be plugged into the Matrix.

Stan sits down on the other couch, with Gully, and then turns back to The Three, who are still standing at the end of the hall. Stan says, "You are free to sit somewhere... should you so desire."

The woman on the left says, "We'd prefer to stand, thanks."

The woman on the right says, to the man next to her, "Sure is empty for such a big group."

Sen says, "Well, we had a party last week, hoping to-"

The woman on the left says, "And, your name is...?"

Sen says, "Sen."

The woman on the left says, "Sen...?"

Sen says, "Yes, Sen."

The woman on the right says, "Yes, Sen, we heard about your party."

Sen says, "And, who are-"

The woman on the left says, "I trust that you're aware of decree number eight three seven nine point six?"

Sen says, "I wasn't aware the had numbered-"

The woman on the left says, "It states that 'Any meetup that attempts to bolster membership by engaging in illegal, violent, or immoral activities shall be disbanded immediately.'"

Sen says, "Now, wait a minute! We didn't-"

The woman on the left says, "It goes on, 'Furthermore, any individuals, organizations, or political bodies involved with the organization of the event shall be punished to the full extent of the law.'"

Sen says, "We didn't do anything illegal!"

The woman on the left says, "We will be conducting a full investigation into these matters over the coming weeks, part of which will include attending your..." she looks around the living room, "... meetup."

Gully says, "Hey, you can't just come in here and-"

The woman on the right says, "We cannot attend a public meetup? You didn't set an RSVP or attendee limit."

The woman on the left says, "Consider us members like any other. Go about your meetup activity of... what do you do again?"

Sen says, "We watch generally old scifi movies."

The woman on the right says, "Oh, how social." Under her sunglasses, she is probably rolling her eyes. Or, she would be, if she had eyes, rather than the wormy death sockets she probably has hidden there. Like the puppy-electrocution-device she probably has in place of her heart.

Watching the movie is like being hugged by a porcupine. It's like being forced to clean a gas station bathroom with your tongue. It's like...

Oh, wow. That was disgusting.

And, it doesn't help that the movie is basically just a retelling of "Ricky Mouse In Space!" but with fewer pornographic undertones. Well, I mean, the fewer pornographic undertones help. But, the rest... Ugh.

When the thing finally ends, Sen says, "Oh, well. I guess that ends our meetup." She looks over at the three suits. "Hey, Rose, Gully, I'll give you two a ride home."

Gully says, "Oh, yeah, sure. That'd be great."

I say, "I... uhh... have a car." How does she not know that I have a... Wait, and doesn't Gully usually drive too...? I think I'm missing something.

Sen glares at me for a moment. She says, "Isn't your car in the shop?"

The woman on the left (yes, I glance over, and they are all still standing in the same position like evil, creepy robots who are creepy and evil) says, "All right, kids. If you want a chance to chat by yourselves about how awful the Man is, go right ahead. I think this... meetup... has officially ended. We'll be on our way." And, without waiting for any kind of response, all three of them turn and walk away. We hear the door open and then close.

There is a pause.

I say, "Sorry about that, Sen."

She shrugs and directs the tattered remains of grin at me. She says, "Whatever. They left."

The pause: part two... The story of how the pause, once thought to be gone forever, returned to once more rule Stan's living room... A true story... Told in twelve parts...

Gully says, "So... can we talk about how many balls that sucked? I'm thinking, like, twenty."

Stan says, "Ugh. Gully. Don't be such a child. Those people were clearly sucking a number of balls in excess of one thousand."

Sen says, "Yeah, seriously. Fuck them. Fuck their entire existence. Fuck everything about them."

Gully starts singing (yes, I know!) that one Reel Big Fish song, and well... I mean... he can't do all the parts himself, so, eventually everyone but Stan is joining in. Needless to say, it helps just a little bit:

Created by:
Reel Big Fish/NeuroticLepricon

When we're done, the pause returns (part 3, an epic tale that will not go untold!), but only briefly.

Sen says, "So... Uhh... This is clearly a problem. Shall we draft a new plan?"

Stan says, "Please let it not involve any more gallivanting around meetups dressed like morons or advertising free beer on Craigslist..."

Sen says, "... Wait, you advertised...?"

Stan says, "... Otherwise, I will be forced to murder someone." He sighs. "In a very terrible and painful way."

He takes the bunny ears off his head and lets them drop to the carpet with a dull thud.

Nov. 18, 2009 →


  1. (Untitled)

    Nov. 21, 2009, 11:39am
    I don't hear Reel Big Fish songs very often, but it seems like every time I hear one, I just love it!

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