Nov. 19, 2009

Posted: Nov. 22, 2009

Chapter 15: Party on my Pants(permalink)

A dog urinates on me.

No, seriously. What the Hell kind of thing is that to happen?

Chapter 16: Pray to the Norse God of Endurance(permalink)

For maybe the first time since I first started going, I'm not sure I really want to go to the Tuesday scifi night. I mean, I'll go, but instead of spacing out at work, thinking about how to be super witty next Tuesday, while John regales whoever'll listen (i.e., new hires) with the story we've all heard a hundred times about how he threw out his back while trying to pick up a volcanic rock on the cusp of a volcano and basically almost fell in, instead of spacing out about that, I actually listen in.

Or, well, I mean, I actually think about how I'm actually listening and miss most of the story.

John says, "Yeah, so that's why I don't trust the Philippines."

Everybody laughs. I laugh too, but just a couple of seconds too late, so a couple of people turn a bit in my direction and give me the weirdo eye.

Great job, Rose. Great job not being that person everyone talks about behind her back about how she probably doesn't even work here, but everyone thinks she does because she was here when the office space was first purchased, and is just kind of here all the time, but now they're all catching on. "That Rose! You know, she looks like this homeless guy on my block.... I'm not being classist or anything, but you think they could be related?" "Hey, has anyone else noticed that she's always sniffing, like a cocaine addict? I mean, I don't want to spread any malicious rumors or anything." "Maybe it's just me, but whenever she's looking at me, I hear this faint whimper, like my dog." "I saw her in Safeway the other day... in the syringe isle!" "She always smells like dog food. Has anyone else noticed how she always smells like dog food?" "I feel sorry for her. Every couple of days, I offer her a chip, just to make sure she isn't starving." "And, I mean, she's always looking me." "She's always looking at all the men, like a vulture. I try to flash my wedding ring around her as often as I can, but she keeps staring." "You know what freaks me out? Her nose. That thing is inhuman." "Yeah, it looks exactly like the nose of that homeless guy, except his is probably cleaner, since he doen't have those telescopes on his eyes." "Has anyone else noticed how she's always laughing just a little bit after everyone else, like she doesn't actually speak English? Has anyone actually heard her talk? I'm just raising a possibility here." "Is it just me, or is there a little bulge in her backside, like maybe she's hiding a tail in there?" "Whatever it is she's hiding, it certainly smells like a tail!" "I'm just going to throw this possibility out there, if we kill her, does anyone think humanity will finally have the possibility of reaching world peace?"

Basically, what I'm saying is, my colleagues are going to kill me because they think I'm a lizard dog who smells and looks horrible and may or may not be homeless. Plus, I've got this implicit anti-world-peace thing going on because of my raging case of evil.

***

Friday night, and still nothing from Sen, Gully, or Stan (which, secretly?, a bit of a relief), so I spend all night playing Cubefield (and never getting past the black and white stage).

Created by:

YO! Arcade

Then, when I get bored of that, over the weekend (and Monday!), I play the Ragnarok Endurance Arena, which, despite its frustratingly loud initial advertisement and the fact that its music and sound effects should be annoying, is pretty much the most addicting game ever. "Oh, I'm hurt! I should finish this level so as to buy some more potions!" "Wow, I can finally get some more regeneration! Let's see how much I heal now!" "Oh, look! It's 3:00am. Remember back when I used to sleep? That was before I had endurance!" "Oh, what I'm dead from dehydration and general slobification? Well, I sure hope they have some Ragnarok in the after-- oh, they don't? They-- Oh, oh I see. Lava, you say? Yup. Yup. Mm hmm.. And, how many hours per... Oh, I see. I didn't know there were that many hours in a... Oh, I see, disruptions in the space-time... clever. So, how do we get... Ah, I see. Well, hop on my back, little imp dude. Let's see if I've got endurance! ... please stop whipping me."

Basically, yeah, I'm a pretty awesome girl, when it comes down to it.

***

Tuesday arrives like a bag of potatoes, and pretty soon (read: after a while [read: after a long day]), it's the four of us, sitting on the couch, eyeing each other in silence. Sen is sitting next to Gully, glancing over at Stan, her brow furrowed. Stan is cleaning his fingernails and almost imperceptibly rolling his eyes periodically, and very obviously looking at his watch every half minute or so. Gully is staring straight ahead, as if his brain had decided to sneak away for a holiday in Bulgaria.

At about 8:15pm, nobody has shown up, and Sen looks over at the door, challenging it (to what, I'm not sure).

Oh, fuck it.

I say, "So, uhh..."

There is a pause.

I say, "Shall we... shall we start?"

Everyone is looking at me. Rose, here's the thing about talking in tense situations: everyone starts looking at you and you don't like it when that happens. Remember how you decided to solve this problem back when you made a joke at that one meeting in February? Remember how you vowed not to talk outside of casual conversation and very strictly defined social roles? Remember how you just violated that vow right now? Are you remembering this violation really well? Well enough to remember it next time you're about to stick your very sizable lower limbs int-

Gully says, "Yeah. Uhh... I think... I think they're not showing up." He looks over the door after he says this, as if he's jinxed our entire lives.

Stan is looking at Sen. Sen is looking at Stan.

Stan says, "Excellent."

Sen says, "Great."

There is a pause.

Sen says, "So, what are we watching."

Stan says, "I had planned on a little '2069: A Space Orgy,' but since our... guests... appear to have deserted us, perhaps something a little more... entertaining."

He pushes a single button on his remote, and after a few seconds of black and warnings, we are watching "Alien." Hell, yes.

Looking around, even Sen is almost smiling.

Gully says, "Oh, you flirt! It has been too long!"

Stan says, "I also took the liberty of acquiring some... paraphernalia in the case that this is the celebration I expect it to be," and he stands up an walks to his room, only to emerge moments later with three alien masks and a clip-on stomach-alien. Hell, yes.

Sen is actually smiling now. She grabs a mask from Stan, puts it on, and starts dancing around as the movie really starts. When the first dialogue hits, Sen jumps over the couch and thumps next to Gully, smiling at him. She glances once more at the door, but it's fleeting, almost like it didn't happen.

Soon, Gully is quoting the movie as it plays out, petting the creature emanating from his stomach and only occasionally stopping to let Stan tell us some strange trivia ("The thing they used to make the egg open ripped off one of the technician's hands, and the guy sued, which is why some parts are done on such a smaller budget than others"), and Sen is just giggling and giggling and giggling. The more blood, the more gore, the more she giggles.

And, yes, it is infectious. And, yes, I am laughing a bit too.

!

***

Of course, it only occurs to me afterwards, in bed, falling asleep: where were our tormentors? Why didn't they show up? I have a vague butterfly that they didn't just leave in order to make us happy (or I need to seriously reconsider my names for them).

Well, whatever.

***

!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I wake up... I am awake... This is me being awake.

It's dark outside.

Then, I hear my phone go off (again, I guess). It is from: "Senmonster." Also, as is clearly indicated on the phone, it is 5:00am!

I say, "Hello?" trying desperately not to sound like I just woke up (why the Hell do we do this? Everybody does it. "Oh, no, you didn't catch me sleeping. I sound like this because I'm having an affair." "Oh, no, I've been awake for hours. Days. I've never actually slept in my life." "No, actually, I was just about to call you... seriously! ... See, I was riding this purple pony on a rainbow, and it said to me, 'if you don't call the President, he is gonna be pissed.' Yeah, swear to god. I've got him right ou--- oh, shit. Someone's stolen my pony."

Sen says, "Hey... sorry to... Have you seen our meetup.com account today?"

I say, "Oh, no, not yet. I was just going to make some coffee first" (lies!) "but, I'll check it now."

I go to the page, and I get an error page. Nice, meetup.com must be down.

Or, maybe I mistyped it. So, I go to my delicious and try that link. Same thing.

Well... maybe...

I try a different meetup ("Old Ladies..."), and it works.

Fuck.